BOOBS! That’s right, B-O-O-B-S, #appleboobocide2k10 & Have One On Me by Joanna Newsom (really? Yeah, I know!)

Photography by umayumay

Hey guys… well, it’s Tuesday and actually, I’m underneath my favourite blanket with the warm laptop sitting on top and a little space-heater in the room.  Just not feeling so awesome-O today and with a relatively slow work day ahead, figured it was best to bundle up and get well.  I’m not looking for well-wishes, just explaining my situation which led me to Netflix to stream some perfect stay at and get-well movie action and, check this.

Did you know Stripes is not available for streaming?  Huh?

Really Netflix?  Is there a more perfect sick-day movie?  A linear plot that requires really no paying attention too, John Candy, some great military chants that are extra-ordinarily easy to pick-up, and some boobs.  More specifically, mud-wrestling boobs!

FINE.  I’ll save you the google image search, here’s a vaguely NSFW screen cap.

Maybe Netflix doesn’t value the healing power of boobs?  Stripes has everything a sick boy needs.  In fact, I seem to recall as a young kid with cable on a sick day coming across Stripes…. Hmmm… now that I think about it, maybe THAT’S why I want to watch it?   Anyways, I found myself instead knee deep in The Wayward Cloud, a semi-hardcore, watermelon-enhanced, ant-dropping Taiwanese musical.  No, I’m not kidding.

Unfortunately, there is so much symbolism & Taiwanese musical(ism) going on, that instead of feeling better, I felt lost & confused, and I LIKE watermelons!  No, this is not the healing power of boobs I was looking for.

Apparently Netflix & Taiwan aren’t the only places that don’t understand the beauty and potency of two fat deposits sitting on a woman’s chest with some nipples on the tips, because from what I’m hearing, 1/2 of the dueling internetal & mobile computation superpowers, Apple (the other being Google) has started deleting every & all boob related app!?!  An event I twitter-named #appleboobocide2k10 in honour of the already forgotten #musicblogocide2k10 that occurred a couple weeks back.

Now, I don’t have an iPhone, but still, what the fuck Apple?  Gizmodo is dutifully chronicling the events, but honestly, I don’t get it.  Who CARES if a guy wants an app that when he shakes his phone around, a pair of boobies wiggle & wobble about.  Is their a dick version?  THAT would be funny shit right there.  Even Suicide Girls had their app pulled!  Seriously, what’s the fun of technology if I can’t turn have my phone make an “alt-girl” suddenly appear in her underwear?  Yeah, apparently just her underwear.  But don’t worry fellas & ladies who like their women plastic & boring & uber-photoshopped, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit App is still available.  Uh… Awesome?

The states has always had a hypocritical view of sexuality & free-speech, a love-hate for it.  For such a freedom-lurving country we pretend to be, it’s all well & good until a nipple pops out somewhere.

Oh no, a booby.   Hope the iPhone doesn’t block TSURURADIO soon!?!?  But hey, a fart apps are okay, so, uh keep ’em coming, because, man, we love us some fart sounds!  PBBBLT!  HAHAHA!

Look.  If a woman wants to get naked or do whatever with her body, it’s her body, her choice, empowerment is a good thing.  And if she’s okay with someone making an app that shows that body, then fantasm-O.  If you don’t want the app, don’t buy it.  If you are pissed that your boyfriend has the app, then talk to your boyfriend about it, don’t get pissed at Apple, it didn’t come with the booby app, did it?

Man.  I can’t even IMAGINE what the complainers, let alone Apple, would think of my Scratch-N-Sniff Sharpie Porn piece for the upcoming Couchfire Touchy Feely show this Saturday night at the Ohio Art League Gallery .

That’s right, SCRATCH-N-SNIFF SHARPIE PORN (WARNING: link takes you to graphic sharpie drawn porn adorned with tutti-fruitti and fruit punch scratch-n-sniff stickers coming out of the orifices, click at your own risk). Right now, I have no plans to make an app anyway, not til Apple invents a smell-i-Phone, THEN AND ONLY THEN will I hire an app maker.  C’mon, you know you would love to scratch a butthole and smell strawberries.

AHHH……  Empowerment is a good thing, isn’t it?  We should celebrate it! Celebrate sexuality!  Have fun with it!  Not make it so grody!  I’ll tell you who’s been, not only celebrating her empowerment but a wee-bit of her sexuality as well, is truly incomparable Joanna Newsom.

Photo of the inside of the vinyl package of Have One On Me via We Listen For You.

Joanna’s a double whammy of empowerment.  One, she’s beautiful and is obviously willing to use that to her own advantage and celebrate it.  BUT, then you take in her music.  Now granted, her last album with ZOOOOM! right over my head and her voice often made me want to stab knitting needles 6 inches into my ears, but I had to respect her.  A strong woman, behind a giant geeky harp, just doing whatever the fuck she wanted, be damned convention, and BLAMO! It was brilliant, not my taste, but brilliant.

In comes her new album Have One On Me

A 2 hour, 3 disc epic.  Now, knowing what you know about how I feel about Newsom’s previous effort, I had no intention of getting NEAR this album.  I’ll let the cool kids and music academics dismantle, love or hate, or whatever this album.  But then the wonderful lads & lasses in the society calmed me, reminded me that each album by every artist is that artist’s statement at that moment and, as I’ve preached before, should be taken in the vacuum of it’s own existence.  PLUS, ears change, eyes change.  I’m not the same man I was when Ys came out.

By the way…. anyone else thinks that album cover looks like an outtake from God Shuffled His Feet by Crash Test Dummies?

Anywhosaldoosals… Where were we?  Oh yeah, Have One On Me.  First off, her voice.  MUUUUCH more tsuru-friendly.  Yeah, every now and then she dips into cats-in-heat, but it’s rare and fitting.  The songs sound almost like twisted traditional songs, like how “Baby Birch” kiiinda sounds like “Amazing Grace”, that kinda thing.  At 2 hours, it’s alot.  A whole lot.  But I’ll tell you right now.  It’s absolutely stunning.

I know.

No one is more surprised than me.  I can’t explain it, it’s reminds me of my favourite strong women in music, such as the queen oddball Kate Bush, but not ever do I feel like she’s mimicking my feminine heroes.  This is probably the geekiest thing I’ll listen to this year, deep, rich, subtle, but geeky.  Amazing.  In the crappy get-well movie in my head, this is where we start the slow clap that builds to monumental applause.


Okay, I’m about to fade to never-neverland, so here’s a couple tracks.  The first to get the album going and the stunner that closes the whole thing off.   Nighty-night!

01 Easy
02 Have One on Me
03 ’81
04 Good Intentions Paving Company
05 No Provenance
06 Baby Birch
07 On a Good Day
08 You and Me, Bess
09 In California
10 Jackrabbits
11 Go Long
12 Occident
13 Soft as Chalk
14 Esme
15 Autumn
16 Ribbon Bows
17 Kingfisher
18 Does Not Suffice

Some Newsom love: Myspace | Label



7 comments for “BOOBS! That’s right, B-O-O-B-S, #appleboobocide2k10 & Have One On Me by Joanna Newsom (really? Yeah, I know!)

  1. Peanut
    February 23, 2010 at 3:22 PM

    Love the article, still don’t like Joanna’s music though. She is pretty cute, I’ll give you that. Nowhere near Zooey material but pretty okay :)

  2. amy
    February 23, 2010 at 8:13 PM

    People who complain about a stupid Apple app have too much time on their hands. Boobs are beautiful things that should be celebrated and enjoyed, not hidden away and made to be felt ashamed about. Can’t believe how uptight people are sometimes.

  3. February 23, 2010 at 10:22 PM

    Are you a changed man? Looks like it. Too late to buy tickets though. I felt the same way that I think _everyone_ does about newsom the first time they heard her. For me it was Peach Plum Pear. I absolutely hated the song the first time I heard it. But I could not delete it, it got under my skin in a way. Three days later, slowly it grew on me, and I was hooked. And if one can tolerate PPP, the rest of Newsom is an easy pill to swallow. I found HOOM to be great and a blast on vinyl (6 ‘sides’ keeps me busy). Glad to see you’ve come to the dark side, annoying all non-newsom’s to no end when you play her.

  4. February 23, 2010 at 10:25 PM

    Also after four complete laps, Does Not Suffice is still my favorite.

  5. February 24, 2010 at 7:27 AM

    Boobies are so wholesome, even babies can suck on them. What’s not to like?

  6. February 24, 2010 at 10:24 AM

    @Alissa – Boobies are wonderful, big ones, little ones, everyone in between!

    @bryon – not sure if I’m a changed man yet, Ys still scrares the shit out of me. Maybe one day… maybe.

    @amy – you are so right! What’s even more sad is the hypocrisy. Apparently a topless dude app is totally okay with apple. What’s it going to be? Nipples or no nipples? Then, when you take in that Suicide Girls app wasn’t even nude??? c’mon…. Look… if you have a problem with nudity, fine, to each their own, but some of us don’t have such delicate sensibilities and find nudity, all nudity, a-okay. Sigh. America can be so hypocritically prudish at times.

  7. February 24, 2010 at 10:25 AM

    Oh… and @peanut… Zooey? *SWOOOON*


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