So, yeah, I was going to talk to you today about Shilpa Ray & Her Happy Hookers today. How her ridiculously amazing over-emoting voice is a welcome change of pace to my ears….. but I can’t. No, nothing’s changed, I still like the album, but it will have to wait for another day. And yeah, I was going to tell you how excited I am about opening up my TSURUFOTO Etsy Shop, how we even got our first sale on only our 2nd day open, but nope, it’s all on hold.
Because, if there’s one thing cycling has taught me, when you are faced with the choice of climbing a 10% incline hill or taking the nice little flat road off to the side and around the bend, you take the fucking hill. And when you set a destination for butt-fuck nowhere Ohio, then find yourself in a nasty head-wind, well you keep on going, dammit! That when your keep getting flats on a… well, you get the picture. If you need more cycling analogies, just email me.
So it was and so it is, right? Tis’ life and such, etc, etc.
But then yesterday, friend & fellow blogger (but now arch-rival, you’ll see) Oliver over at The 405 (psh… the “405“, what is that? Apparently some kind of facial cream, psh, figures, wouldn’t want to get wrinkles, would you “Oliver”, is that is your real name, psh…), not only questioned my chest-pounding Floricanadianism but also claimed that California could kick Canada’s musical ass, with one hand tied behind it’s back, with electrodes on it’s metaphorical testicles, on ANY given day under the lard’s blue sky!
Well…… I’m not a fightin’ man, I’m a lover (and occasional groper, I mean, what am I supposed to do when baby’s sweet a—– oopah, sorry), but even I couldn’t sit back and let some “bloggy blog” besmirch the beloved home of my baby’s birth, my future home (as soon as we strike it rich), AND the home of some of best independent music the world has ever heard!!! Oh HELL NO!
Yeah sure, California has more people than all the provinces of Canada combined, and yeah, California, like it’s gun-toting cowboy cousin Texas, likes to think of itself as a nation, but c’mon….. California?
Where the egos that float around would put a love child between Saddam Hussien and Napolean to shame? Where they claim to be “progressive” but get scared when two dudes want to snuggle & bump penises for life? Where celebrities tell US to be “green” but show up to red carpet events in giant limos? Where…
AND those mentally-challenged chimps from “The Hills” live?
Where people are more apt to inject silicone in their tits, bo-tox in their face, sleep in a tanning booth, and bleach their hair 5 shades lighter than their skin to get some shit-bit part “pretending” to be a shit-bit waitress in some shit-bit movie with hopes of becoming the next shit-bit Hollywood star only to more likely end up doing really bad porn (or just marry a sports guy)????
Where they actually voted for Arnold Schwarzenegger??????
Pick it… I’ll take Toronto over L.A. any day (hell, I’d take Hamilton over L.A., fuck, I’d take *throw a dart at a map of Canada* over L.A.)! Montreal over San Francisco (or “Ess Eff” to those who live there, lard forbid you say “San Fran”)!!! Vancouver over San Diego (72 degrees year round? Zzzzzzz)!!! Calgary over Sacramento (you call THAT a capital?)!!!! Hell, even Windsor over Fresno (Fresno, that’s the joke… “Fresno”)!
Both California and Canada claim an Ontario, both claim ownership of “CA”, both are looked at by the 49 states with crossed-eyes & head scratches, and both are rich in minerals!!! I know, minerals… not the most exciting thing, but still, very important… But only ONE can reign supreme over Indie Land!!!!
There was only one way to resolve this…..
A Battle Of The Mixtapes!!!
Canada VS. California…
CA V. CA!
Here’s the deets…
Who: TSURURADIO representing Canada & The 405 representing California
What: 60 minute mixtapes representing each “country”
Where: Probably at our computers, we are music geeks, remember?
When: June 22, 2009
That’s right, on June 22, 2009, the 405 and I will each post our mixtapes that show the musical talents of “our” “country”, then when the dust settles, we’ll see who is still standing, and who will crawl away in shame back to their shitty California.
Okay…. time to get in “training mode”, time to get PUMPED UP. Looking around the intertubal superduper highway of pooter love I read that the kids like to listen to remixes to get them “in da mode” and “on da flo”. Don’t believe me? Go check the TSURURADIO-black-listing Hype Machine (bunch of racists, they are), half, if not most, of the popular post are remix posts! I’m nothing if not with it & current and I really want to get my game face on, something to get the adrenaline pumpin’ and get my California hatin’ on!
Let’s see what we can find in remix land…
Jayelaudio blog has Girl Talk’s “I’m Ill” Oopah, blocked at work, next! Boom Boom Chicka has something called Killa Kela – Built Like An Amplifier (Super Milkmen Remix) Oh wow…. this is horrible. Painful even. The Fast Life has Master Shortie’s Dead End (Don Diablo knows you like it hard remix) Ugh…
Uh, let’s see, I need something here! PartyCMYK has Laidback Luke & Diplo – Hey (Sonic Truth Remix) This is getting really, really painful now, like a fresh saddle sore on mile 5 of a 100 mile ride. This Big Stereo has BURNS – “Turbo” (Jokers of the Scene remix), sweet jesus banging mary in a 7-11 bathroom, this is retched.
Well, there was that one remix that showed up in my inbox the other week that is all over the intertubes of Patrick Wolf’s “Who Will” called the Buffetlibre Remix, looks like Rock Sellout (among many) has it up. Well, not bad, a little “broadway”, a little too Tony Awards meets 90’s gay dance club, to really get my “must be destroyed” mode on.
That’s it… Fuck it. I give up on this.
Oh wait, a mash-up, with that song I love by Grizzly Bear “Two Weeks” is up over at Kick In The Peanuts (clever title) called Two Weeks of Hip-Hop (by The Hood Internet) Dead Prez vs. Grizzly Bear, okay…. this is pretty fucking brilliant. But, I can’t do this all day! One song out of all that?
Fuck it, I’ll just load up our T(s)OUR De RADIO collection…. Ah….. there we go. Now I’m feeling it! Now the endorphins are being released! Yeah! Now the adrenalins a-pumpin’! Fuck yeah! Now the California, I’m hatin’!!! Oh man oh man oh MAN! Oliver, my friend, you have no idea what you just got yourself into cuz………..
IT’S ON MUTHA FUCKA!!!!! I’ll see you in HELL!!!
(well, actually here on earth… well, actually again, it’s really just on the internets, but you get the idea)
Peace out, bitches!
Canucks! Help me kick some California ASS. Meet up with me in the following places now!
OU R S O C I E T Y
& yes, even TWITTER