Happy U.S. Thanksgiving Eve! So excited… Tonight’s the night, while we are fast asleep, empty cornucopia baskets hanging from the mantle, dollops of stuffing on a plate with a side of beer, that Harriet the Hunter sneaks through our chimneys (rifle in tow, of course) eats the stuffing, drinks Her Coors, fills our baskets with vegetables and squash, and, if we have been reeeeally good all year long, leaves featherless, headless giant poultry and sweet potatoes under our bed, where we will arise in the morning and rejoice in Her name by watching the Dallas Cowboys.
What better way to celebrate Her glory (blessed be Her name, may Her aim be true, and land us a twenty pounder, with an extra leg for pa) than by sharing another entry in our Essentials Mixtape challenge?? This time… good friend, Society member, and cycling addict Chionodoxa. This mixtape literally rocks. It’s dripping with classic rockers from Beastie Boys, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Pixies, and even includes that oft-forgotten epic gem, uh, “Epic” (tell me you didn’t just envision a fish flapping on the ground, and I’d call you a liar!)… Tell you what, sing it with me now!
want it allllll
but you can’t haaaaave it!
WHAT IS IT?
in your faaaaace
but you can’t graaab it!
WHAT IS IT!
Fuck yeah! Needless to say, I got a few stares today as I walked along the hall to my meeting, rocking out, right arm up, pointy finger, pinky, and thumb jutting out, hair flipping forward and back as my head nodded out “yes, yes, YES!” Rockin’ out with my metaphorical cock out! Yeah, metaphorical… Look, I don’t want to get fired, in THIS economy? Hell no.
Now, normally at this point in the Essentials presentation, I start making guesses on our mixologists’ personalities, most likely inaccurately, based solely on their song choices and mixtape flow. I can’t really do that with Chionodoxa, as we are great friends in real life (or “IRL” as the youngins like to say, yay for our text message society). We are also cycling buddies (hence the chicks on bikes photography cover art), having clocked in many, many hours and many, many miles on our road bikes.
Let me tell you something, my friends, you don’t really know a man until you’ve ridden 70 miles on a bike next to him, only to then decide that would be awesome to climb that ridiculous hill, even though your legs are crying, you chest is pounding, you can barely hold the handle bars from the exhaustion, and your body & brain is begging you, pleading, to just lay down on the side of the road, pull into a fetal position, suck your thumb and wait for your wife to come and put you out of your misery…. Yet you climb, you don’t even look up, your head is down, watching the line on the road to make sure you are going straight, it’s easier to breath that way, but the word “easier” is deceiving, because you think you might be dying, but to get off and walk would be quitting, so you climb, shift gears, swear & cuss, climb some more, until there’s no more gears to shift, so now you swear & cuss, stand and climb some more, until finally, finally, the road curves into your favour, the incline gets a little easier (just in time), you can finally stop pedaling and coast for a few seconds, and through the gasping, through the wheezing, you finally laugh, like a mentally challenged monkey. Looking over, he’s laughing & gasping too.
That’s when I knew I had a friend in Chionodoxa (move over Jesus), that there was something odd & fucked up about him too! Hooray! Now, considering the odds of you getting to ride with Chionodoxa and I are pretty slim for the majority of you (at least until the Tsururadio Tsycling Tsentury becomes a world-wide annual event), you got this sweet ass mixtape to make your own evaluation. But it doesn’t have to be that heavy of an experience, it’s Thanksgiving Eve, afterall, and Harriet is watching.
So unzip those pants, pull your metaphoric (remember, keep it legal) cocks out, big and small, and get ready to rock the fuck out as the…
01 Beastie Boys – Sabotage
02 Faith No More – Epic
03 Bullring Brummies – The Wizard
04 The Cult – Fire Woman
05 Misfits – Last Caress
06 The Clash – London Calling
07 Danzig – Mother
08 Radiohead – Karma Police
09 Nirvana – Plateau
10 Pearl Jam – Alive
11 Breeders – Cannonball
12 Black Crowes – Remedy
13 The Stranglers – Golden Brown
14 ELO – Mr. Blue Sky
15 10cc – Dreadlock Holiday
16 Butthole Surfers – Pepper
17 Frank Black – Pray For The Girls
18 They Might Be Giants – Ana Ng
19 Pixies – U-Mass
20 Ween – Voodoo Lady