Let’s keep the fun going! Next up… another member vinyl rip!!! To be honest, I had this one since right before I went to India, unfortunately I wasn’t able to post it up, and for that, I’m sorry. Speaking of India, oh man, did you know that toilet paper is a luxury there? Well, I knew it (it doesn’t take long to figure out), but I had it reinforced the hard way. Let me tell ya, my friends…
So, here I was, on a 4 1/2 hour road trip from Salem back to Bangalore after we finished working for the day. Our driver was especially aggressive, honking his (very loud) horn every few seconds or so, passing every vehicle he came up to, playing chicken with anything and everything coming at us (buses, trucks, motorcycles, cars, cows, whatever).
Anyway, by this point of the trip, I learned to trust your driver (otherwise, you’d go mad with fear of eminent death), but the constant jostling around and bumpiness from the rough highway (apparently, in repair, when I asked “for how long”, the answer was “years”) got me needing to, first pee, then ultimately about 2 hours in, take a #2. They asked me if I’d like to stop for anything, and nonchalantly I replied, “yeah, sure, if we pass something, I wouldn’t mind a coke and maybe a quick toilet break” (oh, I’m so cool like that).
Well, about 30 minutes later we come up to a large gas station in the middle of nowhere, one with a small restaurant and pay-per-use bathrooms. So, without even thinking I paid the rupees, headed on in, dropped trou (as the cool kids say, but I have no idea how they spell “trou”), and proceeded to take care of bidness….
Well, in my excitement for what appeared to be a decent rest area, I left my baby wipes in my suitcase (yes, baby wipes, for those who have never traveled to a country where toilet paper is a privilege not to be taken for granted, trust me on this, BUY BABY WIPES. You will be eating all kinds of new things and having to handle all kinds of new poo routines, baby wipes will be your best friend). So…. I’m now sitting there, physically satisfied, but mentally, uh, concerned. Why? Because in my stall, I see the following: the toilet, a spigot, a bucket, a cup with a handle, and me. Hmm… Interesting…
When in Rome, right? Granted, I never had this problem in Rome, but still, the principles remain the same. So, squatting rather adeptly, I must say, above the toilet (hey, thank lardy there was a toilet instead of the hole in the ground I found in a few places I stopped in my adventures), I reached over, filled the handled cup with wonderful Indian tap water and made a trial run. I tried to splash my butt with the cup of water, hoping the added pressure would do the cleaning for me, but my aim wasn’t very true back there and most the water just landed in the toilet leaving me squatted, butt in the air, still “unclean”.
The next attempt was a pour. The butt has a natural trench (right?) so starting at the top, I just poured down… SUCCESS! I felt water going everywhere it needed to go (and then some), but it wasn’t “cleaning” me. It just kinda cascaded along like a gentle stream over settled rocks in the Virginia mountains, just on a much more micro and a much stinkier scale.
I looked at my left hand, this whole time just hanging out there, helping me keep balance, but otherwise, not helping the situation all that much. I gave it a look, a “you know what we got to do here, don’t you?” kinda look, and he knew, you could see it in they way he tensed up just a little, he knew what was about to happen. So, with the skill & coordination that even a Cirque De Soleil performer would be impressed with, I did my trench pour combined with a finger-tip scrubbing action and a (I’m sure, amusing) wincing look on my face. I did this three times because I figured, you do it once, might as well do it until you really feel clean! You gotta be in it to win it in these situations.
So now, I’m standing there, pants around my ankles, “clean” but wet, left hand up in the air, off to the side (like a surgeon ready for surgery, or maybe, more correctly, like the complete opposite of a surgeon ready for surgery). With yet another grimaced face and with my right hand, I pull up my pants (yay, wet butt and blue jeans, that’s hawt), and walked out of the stall with my legs as wide apart as possible (I hadn’t buttoned the jeans yet, remember, dirty left hand). Found a sink (no paper towels, or any kind of towel for that matter, but there was soap) and washed the hell out of my hands… 3 times. I buttoned up, walked out of the restroom like a normal (though wet) human being, nodded to the security guard, and headed back to the car where we then finished our trip to Bangalore.
When I (finally) reached the hotel, I flew into the elevator, got to my floor, got that damn key card in as quick as I could, went in my room, flung off my clothes, and practically dove into the shower (must get clean, must get clean, must get clean). I’ve never used the laundry in a hotel before, but yeah, I did that day. Ordered a bit of curry & some wine to the room, and had a quiet evening all to myself watching my Flight Of The Conchords season DVD.
What does this have to do with our amazing member vinyl rip (thank you so so much, X) of !!!’s Myth Takes? Absolutely nothing, but as you come to expect here, I tend to ramble at times… Ah, and speaking of our incredible members, what about you? Are you a member? No? Well why not? There so much goodness & good times going on in our little club house, you are missing out. But look, if you join, you better participate! Be loud, be proud, WE MUST PRESERVE VINYL!!! Now, let’s listen to some as…
(sorry, it’s a double LP, I’m not sure of where the sides end & begin)1. Myth Takes
2. All My Heroes Are Weirdos
3. Must Be The Moon
4. New Name
5. Heart Of Hearts
6. Sweet Life
8. Bend Over Beethoven
9. Break In Case Of Anything